Airplane Sex Guide
For your own safety and comfort and that of your fellow passengers and crew, please observe the following regulations when engaging in in-flight sex.

Sex While Seated
Regulations require that you keep your seatbelts fastened at all times when seated. Therefore, only oral and manual sex are permitted in the main cabin. If you desire privacy, you may request a blanket to conceal your activities.

This option is always available to our passengers who prefer to self-suck. To avoid head injuries, make sure your tray table is secured in its upright and locked position.

Hand Job
To initiate a hand job, unzip the fly of the passenger seated immediately next to you, freeing his penis. Grasping the shaft firmly, use a brisk up-and-down motion until climax is achieved. Flight attendants may provide moist towelettes for cleanup. Hot towels are available to our first-class passengers.

Blow Job
To initiate a blow job, unzip the fly of the passenger seated immediately next to you, freeing his penis. Rotate your torso 90 degrees and flex at the waist until your mouth contacts the recipient’s hard on. Move head up and down as indicated.

Passengers who are unable or prefer not to swallow may use the paper receptacle bags located in the forward seat pocket. After use, give the bag to a flight attendant for disposal.

Sex in the Lavatories

For the comfort and consideration of all passengers, we request that couples limit their sessions to 15 minutes or less, whether or not climax is achieved. Please engage the “Having Sex” sign on the lavatory door so that you will not be disturbed.

To facilitate sex in the close quarters of an airline lavatory, may we suggest the following positions. Due to the size of the facilities, threesomes are prohibited.
Seated sex positions are recommended if the airplane encounters turbulence.
We must remind you that smoking after sex or tampering with a lavatory smoke detector are federal offenses.

Blow Job (Sitting)
If emergency fecal evacuation is required, this position may be used for performing a blumpkin maneuver. In this case, be sure the commode lid is OPEN.

Blow Job (Standing)

If you do not swallow, please spit into the commode, or alternately, the sink.

To avoid being overwhelmed by a foul odor, be sure that the commode lid is shut before your female partner is seated. If the commode is closed and you are still overwhelmed by a foul odor during cunnilingus, we suggest your partner review basic hygiene procedures. Unfortunately, due to space considerations, an in-flight bidet is not available.

Fingering (Seated)
After inserting a hand into your partner’s panties, digitally stimulate her clitoris using up-and-down, side-to-side, or circular motions. If you cannot locate the clitoris, refer to the detailed diagram on the other side of this card.

Intercourse – Doggy-Style Against Sink
Save time by using this position to wash your hands or fix your makeup while having sex.

Intercourse – Sitting on Sink
Avoid activating the faucet in this position or you’ll end up with an extra large wet spot.

Intercourse – Sitting on Commode
To maintain the aircraft’s equilibrium, we ask that passengers refrain from riding the baloney pony too vigorously during flight.

Intercourse – Standing Against Commode
If you prop one foot on the toilet, make sure the lid is closed. Failure to do so may result in a sprained ankle or accidental loss of footwear.